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Release

by Rich Aucoin

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1.
The Base 01:37
2.
The Dream 05:13
dream i can’t keep on missing you i won’t remember to anymore i can’t keep on pushing through i don’t expect i do win the war i can’t keep all of this in motion and fall into an ocean of tone i can’t hold all of this emotion and crawl into devotion alone dream fill it up cause you can’t keep love dream it’s enough if you can’t wake up i can’t keep on pushing passed i see my time is cast You should know i can’t help but see the past I can’t conceive the last domino i can’t keep all of this in motion and fall into an ocean of tone i can’t hold all of this emotion and crawl into devotion alone dream fill it up cause you can’t keep love dream it’s enough if you can’t wake up polythene obscene it’s always all we’ve seen tambourine nineteen nobody’s ever been in-between routine we read the magazine plasticine this dream nobody’s ever seen dream fill it up cause you can’t keep love dream it’s enough when you can’t wake up
3.
The Middle 04:00
i heard it came in the night so I lit the flame of the light when i saw my face look at me I knew my worst enemy looks like i’m seeing the view now in the fall half the time to give it at all this is the middle of you looks like I’m leaving a new hole in the wall feeling like I’m always so small this is the middle of you i don’t know which was is down I seem to switch round and round when i found the door in the wall I kissed the floor in a crawl looks like i’m seeing the view now in the fall half the time to give it at all this is the middle of you looks like I’m leaving a new hole in the wall feeling like I’m always so small this is the middle of you as i die all of my friends this is now and it’s over and over again when i die oh how it ends but it’s now and it’s over and over again when we die oh it begins and it’s now and over and over again looks like i’m seeing the view now in the fall half the time to give it at all this is the middle of you looks like I’m leaving a new hole in the wall feeling like I’m always so small this is the middle of you
4.
The Other 05:13
look around when you break it all down we’re just bones on the ground what’s left? thick and thin skulls under the skin when we’re really just scared of death all the while it pulls us apart it was fear from the start for none in the end there’s nothing to choose it’s hate that we lose as one are you really alone from the other to an other? are you ever really alone from the other to an other? feel secure in groups we endure it’s a war between us and them take a chance it’s a long song and dance in the end we’re just all human all the while it pulls us apart it was fear from the start for none in the end there’s nothing to choose it’s hate that we lose as one are you really alone from the other to an other? are you ever really alone from the other to an other? are you really alone from the other to an other? are you ever really alone from the other to an other?
5.
The Change 03:35
stop you can’t help it’s changing why do you want control? it’s running with and without you it’s moving in and around you there’s nothing you can hold onto cause the change is in you when you let go to it all and now i’m a free man once I could swim it’s running with and without you it’s moving in and around you there’s nothing you can hold onto cause the change is in you when you let go to it all this wonderland that we’re haunting i understand why we do it’s running with and without you it’s moving in and around you there’s nothing you can hold onto cause the change is in you when you let go cause the change is in you when you let go cause the change is in you when you let go
6.
The Self 04:14
do I exist? i used to think I was someone am I a lie? do we try just to get by? am I only illusion? perceiving the world could we know why? if we’re done when we die? it doesn’t mean that I’ve given up it doesn’t mean that I’ve had enough it doesn’t mean that I’m out of love how can I show you? is this my choice? i thought I authored my actions how did I choose? is there more that I could lose? feels like I’m always reacting since it began i somehow feel that none of me is real and who are you? i used to think we were separate and were apart when you end where do I start? and if we’re products of others can we forgive ourselves also? it’s all gone when we go it doesn’t mean that I’ve given up it doesn’t mean that I’ve had enough it doesn’t mean that I’m out of love how can I show you? it doesn’t mean that I’ve given up it doesn’t mean that I’ve had enough it doesn’t mean that I’m out of love
7.
The Past 06:32
it’s come out of my love it’s coming for me don’t look back was I always wrong?
8.
The Fear 04:28
you never get to move on you never get to move on until the fear from you is gone until the fear from you is gone
9.
The Mind 04:17
10.
The Time 05:29
yesterday I was so small found a way to carry it all now I’ve lost it inside and it’s all in my mind and that was all of my luck so this is when I gave up cause this time is not enough this life is not enough our time was not enough and we can’t turn it off so give it up yesterday I was so lost in a way, that’s always the cost now I’ve gone for a while and it’s left from my smile and that was all of my luck so this is when I gave up cause this time is not enough this life is not enough our time was not enough and we can’t turn it off so give it up
11.
Release 07:08

about

“Come to terms with death. Thereafter anything is possible” -Camus

One day, back when I was an 8 year old girl, I had a thought that I could never unthink. The thought was that one day I would no longer exist. Up until that point, I had no thoughts on mortality other than the realization of the periodical disappearances of pets and grandparents who all vanished in my early years leaving only a faded memory in my mind, like dreams upon waking.

But in that moment it became clear that I, and everyone and everything I've ever known would be gone one day. I felt a weight on my chest as if an elephant was preventing my ribs from expanding. So I began working on a theory to manage this terror. Everyone has a theory. It seems that a lot of our conflict and disconnectedness comes from sharing these respective theories with one another. How much better could our world be if we kept them to ourselves?

I began to think of what I knew and what I didn't know and realized that the latter was far larger. Doubt gives life to a theory; it tests it. In doing, it is alive and not decaying like a monument chiseled in stone. I began to consider who I was. Did I adopt personality traits because others had said that's who I was? If there were no others, who would I choose to be?

Could I even exist without The Other? Was I just the culmination of all my interactions, good and bad, with the world? I have always thought that it's easier to trust others and risk of being hurt than to build walls against them and fight. Besides, after the fighting is done, who were you fighting but yourself?

Later that same day, while eating an apple, my dad told me ‘you are what you eat’, on any other day, this would have been a bit of healthy dietary advice, but on this day it made me wonder whether I had a self to begin with. Maybe, my thoughts, like my sense of taste, are just an experience and I don't author them anymore than I author the way I taste an apple. Yet it feels like I have some ownership over the experience because it is occurring in my head. In my body. Am I in my head? Am I in my body? Am I my body? Our bodies change; do we become different people when they do?

All these changes were happening so fast. I wanted to have control and so I was fighting against the universe to be me. But when I realized I was the universe (and that you are the universe, and the other is the universe) I was able to finally let go to it all. There is no self; there might not even be choice.

When I got to that point, I realized it both relaxed and scared me more than anything. On the one hand, it was relaxing because I could just accept the universe as an experience and be filled with compassion for others, upon whom luck had not fallen favourably. I could know, that whatever they did or whatever I did, was bound to have happened. But, on the other hand, it was terrifying because it meant that I could be also one of those unlucky people and there was nothing I could do. Even at our least or greatest moments, there's the uncomfortable feeling at the back of our minds, providing contrast, that the worst could always happen— death.

I felt like I needed to escape. I began to immerse myself in stories, fantasies, nostalgia, worlds. If I was engaged in a story, I was unaware of mortality. Over time, these stories helped me face death. Every story is triumph or tragedy in the face of fear— I began to realize that I could not progress forward until I had confronted this fear.

So I took all of these feelings and with them made a theory; of course, I cannot tell you what that theory is so as to not run the risk of damaging yours. What I can suggest is that, when you make your own theory, you keep it secret. It's yours. I seldom take my own advice but, still, it is futile to convince someone else to accept your theory just as it is absurd for the other to expect you to believe theirs. Your theory gives you the power to cope with that original unthinkable thought— the inevitably of non-existence. Life is like enjoying the apple while realizing there is a worm at the core. Your theory helps you keep eating anyway.

This time is not enough, this life is not enough, our time was not enough. So give it up. As our lives slip away, these theories, these wonderlands are the blankets we wrap ourselves in while we take that brave step into the unknown.

credits

released May 17, 2019

RECORDED BY SHELDON ZAHARKO AT THE REC ROOM, VANCOUVER
THOMAS D’ARCY AT TAURUS RECORDING, TORONTO
PETER CHAPMAN AT MILKSHAKE MUSIC, TORONTO
DAVID PLOWMAN AT THE NOOK, TORONTO
JEFF MCMURRICH AT SONOLOGY, TORONTO
JEAN-BRUNO PINARD AT PLANET STUDIOS, MONTREAL
HOWARD BILERMAN AT HOTEL 2 TANGO, MONTREAL
BEN TALMI AT VIRTUE AND VICE STUDIOS, BROOKLYN
DANIEL LEDWELL AT ECHO LAKE, LAKE ECHO
THOMAS STAJCER AT NEW SCOTLAND YARD, DARTMOUTH
JOEL WADDELL AT PINE STUDIOS, DARTMOUTH
DIEGO MEDINA AT OLD CONFIDENCE LODGE, RIVERPORT
ALEX MEADE AT MOUSTACHE, HALIFAX
LUKAS PEARSE AT ALLEY ROAD STUDIOS, HALIFAX
DARREN VAN NIEKERK AT SONIC TEMPLE, HALIFAX
RICH AUCOIN AT UNDERGROUND, HALIFAX

FOLEY BY RICH AUCOIN/LUKAS PEARSE AT ALLEY ROAD STUDIOS, HALIFAX

WRITTEN BY RICH AUCOIN

PRODUCED BY RICH AUCOIN
JOEL WADDELL

MIXED BY HOWIE BECK AT STUDIO H, TORONTO
DAVID OVERSBY-POWELL AT PREMISES STUDIOS, LONDON (TRACK 11)

MASTERED BY NOAH MINTZ AT LACQUER CHANNEL, TORONTO

MANAGEMENT JASON BURNS AT ARTS & CRAFTS

PUBLISHED BY THIRD SIDE PUBLISHING, MONTREAL

COVER ART RICH’S 3D PRINTED SKULL BY MAKERWIZ
SKULL PAINTED BY LAURA DAWE
PHOTOGRAPHED BY MEGHAN TANSEY WHITTON
DESIGN BY SETH SMITH

STORY EDITOR TANYA DAVIS

PHOTOGRAPHY LINDSAY DUNCAN
MEGHAN TANSEY WHITTON

ALBUM DESIGN SETH SMITH

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